The Twelve DaysPounds of Christmas

It's the day after Christmas. Whew. The holiday rush has gotten to me real bad, I almost thought I'd end up as replacement to The Christmas Grouch. A long list of must-buys, almost-daily parties, and the slow crawl of traffic everywhere can make one's energy just fly right out of the window.

Fortunately, the tiring holiday season is almost over. Just a few more get-togethers to go to, and I can welcome long hours of sleep again. Yey!

So, out of habit, I hop on my trusty weighing scale. I haven't gotten to check on my weight in quite a while.

The scale tipped at X pounds. Gasp! That's 12 pounds more than how I weighed prior to Christmas season.

As with any other life crisis, what followed was the feeling of DENIAL. I took the old weighing scale, stirred it, and shook it a few times. Finally, I tried to tweak the small knob here and there. The repetitious weight checking from way back must have taken its toll on the poor scale. I'm pretty sure it had gotten defective. Plus 12 pounds?? Nah.

I rummaged through my closet to get my digital weighing scale instead. Battery's still intact. Great! I hop on it, hoping to get the truth. "Huh? Plus 12 pounds?" The second emotional stage came in: ANGER. What the heck is going on? Why am I surrounded by such defective scales? I am returning this fairly new digital scale and getting myself a refund!

The next minute, I was BARGAINING. "Lord, how could this happen to me? Please make me 12 pounds lighter and back to my previous weight. I promise not to down another Conti's brownie again. I won't even touch leche flan, fruit salad, and pasta this New Year. I won't even stare at food, I promise!"

There was no response from the heavens. I then felt DEPRESSED. "Why can't I just be like them skinny model-type girls who can gorge on a plateful and still look like they haven't eaten in days? I hate it!" *insert uber sad face here*

But with all things that come in life, there is a need for ACCEPTANCE. I finally understood the whole weight-watching drama.

As I look back at how the 12 pounds had been added to my already-well-insulated physique, I began to thank God. I gained the extra weight, because I enjoyed feasting with friends and family this holiday season. I never held myself at every Christmas gathering. I ate, drank, and celebrated as my friends did. I temporarily held off my diet to be able to party without reservations. That's where the 12 pounds came from: quality time, bonding, fun.

I put back the digital scale inside the closet. I took the other one from the trash bin and placed where it used to be. There was nothing wrong with both. They told me the truth: I gained 12 pounds, but I had fun too.

Weight management is important, but for me, time spent with friends and family celebrating with good food this Christmas season is far more valuable. I can always go back to my diet and to the gym after the holidays anyway. Corny kaya mag-diet pag Pasko!

So, for now, I'm ditching the scales, and I'm off to my next post-Christmas party! Wohoo!



Photo credits: http://www.medicalscale1.com/tag/weight-scale/

Empty Closet

It's that time of the year again. Why does it still feel the same way it did four years ago? I still cried a fresh set of tears this morning at the thought of what transpired at that fateful day.

I look at your room now. Your bed is a mess, if I can still find the bed underneath the high stacks of clothes piled on it. Your closet that used to store your favorite shirts, jeans, and those floral uniforms that the previous Manila city mayor imposed you wear (and you used to hate) is now full of just blankets, bedsheets, towels, and an even higher pile of our clothes up for ironing. Your dresser that I used to raid for any new stuff I can borrow (and not return) has turned into another mini altar. All of your stuff are gone. But why do I still feel every inch of you here?

I miss you, Tita Lyn. Sobra.

By the way, that blue shirt with pink collar I took from your cabinet, I use pa rin. Fits me perfectly now.

My last Christmas pic with Tita Lyn (Christmas 2006)

My Knight in Shining Armor

"I don't want you to get hurt again."

I clicked on the red X on the top-right corner of my computer screen and closed the email he had sent. With tears flowing on my cheeks, I thanked God for him. I had just gone through a devastating experience and needed every amount of support I can get. Along with family and friends, he provided that support.

At times, when he drives me to work, he'd suddenly hear me opening up a problem or a burden I am keeping. In an instant, he'd see my eyes well up. I know it pains him seeing me like that, but he remains composed. He then shares his thoughts and advises me what to do. He isn't really the touchy-feely guy, but his words always give me comfort and assurance that he will always be there for me.
I remember a time when I was on the brink of insanity over an opportunity I passed up for personal reasons. I cried myself to sleep over the lost chance. The morning after, I found a letter on my bedside table. It was from him. The words seemed to have been written in a hurry, but they served their purpose nonetheless: They were—as can be expected of him—words of comfort, words that assured me that I need not worry. He told me that more and even greater opportunities will come.
Upon reading the last of his letter, I said a prayer of gratitude for his presence in my life.

Yesterday, he celebrated his birthday, and I thanked God once again for him, for my knight in shining armor. He hides beneath his shield but never fails to come to my rescue. I know that I will forever be his princess. And for this, I am thankful.

Thank You, Lord, for the 53 years that you have blessed me with a Tatay who never stopped to provide and protect. Thank you for my knight in shining armor. Thank You, Lord, for my Tatay.

Tatay and me

A Lola of Great Faith

“Tama na yang TV, magdasal na tayo.”

Nobody moves.

“Magdasal na tayo.”

Still, nobody moves. Eyes fixed on the tube. Ears as if plugged with giant cotton balls.

“Magdasal na tayo. Hindi natin dapat nakakalimutan ang Diyos.”

Much as I want to go on with the pretend-I-didn’t-hear-anything drama, I get up from my seat and turn off the TV, to the dismay of my cousins. Being the eldest in the bunch, I herd my cousins in front of the altar, where Inang had already been waiting for us.

This was how everyday family prayer would start when I was a kid. It was a struggle. Like gulping a spoonful of Tempra when you’re down with fever, you just want it over and done with.

But Inang seemed oblivious to the groans and sighs of her grandchildren come prayer time. She would ignore the dragging feet and the lousy answers to “Hail Mary” and would remind us that God is more important than TV. She wants us to value prayer and to always follow Jesus’ example in everything we do.

For that, I loved and respected Inang–for her faith, her wisdom, and her great love for family. But a greater testament of her faith was revealed in that day after my Tita Lyn was laid to rest.

It was mid-day. The whole family–Inang, my parents, aunts, and uncles–was gathered over lunch. We were talking about Tita Lyn’s death. We lost her when she was run over by a speeding bus. Pure hatred was the only thing we felt for the driver, and we were ready to avenge her murder.

Silent in the midst of the very emotional discussion, Inang suddenly uttered, “Hindi ko pa man sya nakikita, pinapatawad ko na ang drayber na ‘yon.” All eyes were now on her.

I thought, “How could you say that? Didn't he just kill your daughter? Didn't he just run over her several times, ignoring her loud cries for help? Didn't he just rationalize what he did? Why are you being like this? Isn't she important to you?” He had no remorse. He never asked for forgiveness. For that, I will never forget his face. His menacingly proud face will forever be etched in my heart.

As if she had read all the thoughts in my head, Inang burst into tears, "Ipinahiram lang ng Diyos sa akin si Lyn para alagaan ko at mahalin bilang anak, pero sa Kanya naman talaga sya. Kaya pinapatawad ko na yung drayber, dahil parati rin naming tayong pinapatawad ng Diyos."

That left me silent. I felt my eyes start to well up. She was right. Tita Lyn was, first and foremost, God's daughter; He must have already needed her up there. And true. If the God who made all heaven and earth could forgive sinners like us, how could we not pass on the forgiveness to others? Inang felt the pain of the loss, but she saw the bigger picture.

After that memorable day, I loved Inang even more and grew more respect for her. She is more than a daily Mass-goer, more than a prayerful lola, more than a forgiving mother. She is a true servant of God. And I pray to be like her, to be of great faith.

Me and Inang, my lola of great faith

Just School Stuff

She opened the candy-colored paper bag and brought out the fillings one by one. Out went a box of crayons, a sheet of stickers, and a notebook, to which she immediately said "Ah, I'll use this as scratch paper instead." Then, there were a mini notepad, a bookmark, a few colored pencils, a pencil case, and a small stuff toy.

After littering the bed with everything the tiny paper bag used to hold, she turned to me, "Ate Osy, you should give me more of these. Just school stuff. Like the dozen of pens, crayons, and colored markers you gave me last Christmas. Don't give me toys. I've grown tired of them anyway."

I thought she won't appreciate the birthday gift I had for her. But as I see her leave the room, paper bag in an embrace, I knew I was wrong. She loved the gift, however simple it was, and she knew she wanted it.

My 8-year-old cousin Maraj knew what she wanted: Just school stuff, Ate Osy. Whereas, there I was, not knowing what I wanted for myself.

For the past weeks, I've been haunted by a thought that has grown consistently since that day I met the Idol. Did I make a wrong decision? Did I just let go of my biggest dream? Did I really ditch the job I've always wanted?

I was offered an editorial job in the magazine I so wanted to be a part of since I joined the community. But I refused. Why? Because of proximity, the possible financial decline, and the lifestyle change. I could think of a million other reasons to justify my weird decision, but lately, it has just boiled down to one: comfort zone, and how I don't want to get out of it.

I wanted the job, but I feared my lack of expertise. I wanted the working environment, but I feared the unfamiliarity. I wanted the fulfillment of the dream, but I feared the changes it will bring.

Fear got in the way. Fear overcame the dream.

God, is there any other way to remedy this? Did I really make a wrong choice?

I am Blessed

"It's difficult to walk backwards because our feet are meant to make us move forward.
Life is always better if we see what's ahead than look at what's left behind.
Forget bad past - bitterness, grudges, hatred, and pain. Move on. Forgive. Love. Smile. Pray."

I got this SMS from a sister in the community this morning, and I just couldn't help being amazed at how timely the message is.

Those who know everything that I am going through right now will agree that this message hits the spot. Many people nowadays have been telling me the same thing: Get rid of my bad past and move on. In their most loving way, they help me forgive myself, believe that everything happens for a reason, and get up from the slump that I am in. They help me realize that I am actually blessed, and indeed I am.

I am blessed to have an intact family that is not perfect but stands by me. I am blessed with love and support from friends who sincerely care for me and my future. I am blessed with talent to hone, work to improve, and personality to develop. I am blessed with great and unconditional love from my Father who will never abandon me at all costs. I am blessed.

With that, I am shattering my rearview mirror.

Bingo 101

Where was I? Gone on a vacation? Well... kinda. Out of the country? Nope. Out of town perhaps? Well, yep.

Had gone to the province last Monday afternoon and just got back at about lunchtime today. The drive was ok, except for the TERRIBLE EDSA traffic (read: 2.5 hours from Balintawak to MOA). That wouldn't have been a problem had my car been an A/T. So now, my fresh-from-PT knees are about to give in.

But despite the ultraheavy traffic and the aching knees, I so enjoyed the past two days I had spent in Bulacan (tumpak, taal po akong Bulakenya). Monday afternoon was spent buying pasalubong for my cousins and Inang (grandmother that is); visiting my aunt's tomb (the primary reason I went home as it was her birthday that day); receiving hugs and kisses with my just-turned-three cousin John; eating cake with my favorite cousin Maraj; and exchanging so many stories with my inang, uncle, and aunts. I also rediscovered TV that day. Oh how I missed watching primetime soap operas! :D

Much later in the evening, in the midst of stories, gossip, and whatnots, Inang asked me if I could probably stay longer and not go to work the following day (as I had initially planned). That was a very tough decision to make. My heart was absolutely torn. I didn't know what to do: should I take a leave of absence or should I take a leave of absence? It was just difficult to decide. LOL.

Kidding aside, the decision to stay for another day was as easy as 1-2-3. I wanted to stay longer as well. It had been a while since I was there, and I felt that I also needed a break from all the stress here in Manila.

The next day, Tuesday, was spent exchanging even more stories with them, receiving even more hugs and kisses from John, digging into a big gallon of chocolate ice cream with all of my cousins, and playing bingo in the nearby SM mall with Inang.

If there was one thing Inang would probably thank Henry Sy for, it would be the in-house bingo. Yes. Bingo. Think cards, the numbers 1 through 75, bingo callers, and the infamous reminder "just shout Bingo!" Inang loved the game, but she would only have the chance to play whenever I took her to the mall. Whenever she's here in Manila for a vacation, I would take her to the nearest mall and play bingo with her. My primary task was to double check that she had marked the correct number what with her slowly blurring vision. In the midst of the game, we would chat even more (there is just no stopping us). Then, after the game, win or lose, we would grab a quick bite in our fave fastfood chain. That had become our bonding tradition.

Yesterday's bonding was extra special. I won twice in a single Bingo session! For those who do not know, there are about three to four sessions in a day. A bingo session is composed of three main games and about three or four special games. Okay. That's Bingo 101 for you. :D

As I said, I won twice. The winnings weren't really lotto material, but it was more than what I paid the cards for. And a little extra money isn't really bad, is it?

But more than the money won, it was a fun afternoon because of the time we had spent together. If asked if I would take another day off from work just to accompany Inang, I would absolutely say yes. She will always be the best lola for me, and I will always try to be there for her if she needs me.

Okay. Enough. My eyes are already welling up. Just wanted to share that I had a great two-day mini-vacation. Thank God for the stories, the hugs, the kisses, the laughter, the food shared, and the time well spent. I look forward to my next vacation at home.

(Photo source: virtualbingo.org)

Awaken the Healer in You

Just this morning, my mom was admitted to the hospital for the continuous chest pain she has been feeling the past week. To some, this may elicit gasps, maybe a little shock, and an enormous amount of concern. To me, this is old news. Not that I am not concerned with my mom's welfare, I am and severely at that; it's just that her being confined to the hospital because of her heart ailments has never been new to me. She has been going in and out of such gloomy institution for the past months now, and I've learned to adapt (not that I want to) to the situation.

For the longest time, my family has been battling it out with various sicknesses of different levels. My mom, at a very young age, had been diagnosed with heart ailment. Her blood pressure tends to rise more that usual, even when relaxed. And just recently, her heart was seen to enlarge at a slow rate. She also has diabetes, taking in maintenance drugs to control her blood sugar when reaching past the heavens. Add to her very elaborate medical history the two major operations she had undergone for the past five years: one with her gall bladder and the other with her ovaries. My dad, never to be outdone, had just recently undergone a major operation, which also led to the discovery that his blood sugar is way high and that he is in the onset of being a diabetic himself. I myself am undergoing therapy for my knees, which have been giving me significant pain for months now, disabling me from doing certain activities and limiting my already-limited physique.

So you see, health problems are never new to me. I have been used to the sight of sickly people in emergency rooms, have made friends with doctors and nurses in clinics, and have been at home in both hotel-like and dreadfully looking hospital rooms. With that, my constant prayers have always revolved around healing and recovery of my loved ones and myself.

But God has His ways. It couldn't have been any more timely. Yesterday, at the South Feast*, a new series entitled Awaken the Healer in You was started. The series is broken down into six parts: Healer, Emotions, Relationships, Nourishment, Protection, and Faith. Each talk intends to teach us to bring out the healing power within us.

With that promise and with my constant petitions for healing in my family, I know that this new series will help me tremendously. My body is God's home address, and I know that God wants to heal me. I am ready to be healed and to heal.

*The South Feast, a weekly gathering of the Light of Jesus Community (LOJ), happens every Sunday at Festival Mall Cinema 10, Alabang, Muntinlupa City, at 11am and at 3pm. It is led by Feast Builder/Main Preacher Arun Gogna. LOJ is a Catholic charismatic community led by Bo Sanchez.

No Rush

Arrived extremely late at the office today. When my work schedule is really FLEXI 12nn, I came in at 2.30pm. Talk about punctuality!

But however late I was, I do not regret having arrived late for work. I do not regret having to sleep a little more in my comfy bed, even if it was Manic Monday for every other employee there is in the entire Metro Manila. I do not regret having waken up at 11.30am to have brunch with my mom, who almost always eats lunch by herself at home as my dad and I are already at the office come lunch time. I do not regret getting out of the house at 1.30pm, not getting stuck in the usual afternoon heavy traffic and enjoying the sight of the clear sky above me.

Yesterday at the South Feast^*, the talk was entitled "No Rush." Through the talk, I was taught that it is okay to be late a few times. It is okay to not hurry and to slow down a little bit. It is okay to "stop and smell the flowers" and not rush in finishing each and every task in my daily to-do list. I was encouraged to LIVE IN MY NOW.

Further during the talk, it was emphasized that where we are now is exactly where God wants us to be. If there seem to be interruptions or stumbling blocks on our way to finishing our tasks or reaching our goals, think that these could be God's gifts.

And while we are where we are, let us really "be here" (seems like a tongue twister huh? LOL). If we are attending mass, let's fully participate in it and not think of our bills. If we are with family or friends, let's fully enjoy our moments with them and not momentarily think of our personal struggles. If we suddenly get stuck in heavy traffic, let's just take the opportunity to, maybe, say a prayer or listen to good music, and not dwell on how ruined our day's schedule would be. If we are waiting in line in the grocery, let's take the chance to, maybe, clear our mind or hum a song, and not get irritated of the seemingly endless wait this brings us. When we enjoy where we are, we never feel like we are waiting.

With all that, I learned that life should not be such a RUSH. If we constantly just move from one task to another, get from point A to point B, and go from stage 1 to stage 2, without enjoying the journey, we will just let time pass us by and never enjoy life itself. Get rid of hurry. Slow down.

*The South Feast, a weekly gathering of the Light of Jesus Community (LOJ), happens every Sunday at Festival Mall Cinema 10, Alabang, Muntinlupa City, at 11am and at 3pm. It is led by Feast Builder/Main Preacher Arun Gogna. LOJ is a Catholic charismatic community led by Bo Sanchez.

(Photo source: www.writingthoughts.com)

Dirty hands

I am stumped.

How do you solve a problem that never goes away? How do you help someone who constantly rejects your help? How do you care for a person who doesn't want to take care of herself?

I am stumped.

Why do certain people require love from you yet find it so hard to accept your love when you give it to them? Why do certain people set expectations from you yet reject you when you're trying to meet, precisely, those expectations? Why do certain people set standards or goals for you yet never believe that you can achieve them?

I am stumped.

Then, I remembered: Love is the ultimate goal. It should be the only reason for everything. And because love is a decision, a loving person never grows tired. He never stops loving, even at the face of rejection. He never surrenders but decides to still love. After all, love is about dirty hands, not beating hearts.

I am no longer stumped. I choose to dirty my hands.

(Photo source: http://www.christendomreview.com/)

Love, Memories, and Blessing

Last Sunday, at the South Feast^*, an AVP presenting pics of Tito Andrew was shown as a form of honoring for his service to the LOJ Family and to God for the past years.

Tito Andrew passed away last Tuesday of cardiac arrest. He had been battling with heart problems for years until the traitor of a sickness finally took hold of him.

I had only known Tito Andrew for a short span of time. I got to know him as he was the husband of Tita Ross, another LOJ servant, with whom I have tight bonds. I would remember him as the quiet Kids Ministry servant who would always smile his best whenever I'd pass by him in front of A-Plus Festival Mall (where the Kids Ministry always converge). He wasn't that servant who was always under the limelight or who was known by everyone. He was always in the background, quietly serving by tirelessly driving his L200 to provide transportation for fellow servants during community events and gatherings and for the equipment used by the Kids Ministry. Everyone remembered him as a silent but faithful servant who, despite his sickness, never said no to any opportunity to serve. He was always ready to be of help to anyone who needs it.

Then, I thought, when my time comes, when I'm the one inside a coffin, being exposed for everyone to see, how would I want to be remembered? I saw how Tito Andrew was dearly loved by his family, friends, LOJF, among others. Would I receive that kind of love when it's my turn? I saw how Tito Andrew was appreciated for his service to the community, to his family, and to God. Would I be remembered for such service as well when my time comes?

I was then reminded that, truly, in the end, it is not the wealth that we possess, the money that we have, or the physical beauty that we are blessed with that people will remember us for. It is the love that we had given in our lifetime, the memories that we had spent with the people we value, and the blessing that we had become to others that will make us memorable.

Tito Andrew had shared love, spent memories with friends and family, and become a blessing to others. I hope to be same when my time comes.

*The South Feast, a weekly gathering of the Light of Jesus Community (LOJ), happens every Sunday at Festival Mall Cinema 10, Alabang, Muntinlupa City, at 11am and at 3pm. It is led by Feast Builder/Main Preacher Arun Gogna. LOJ is a Catholic charismatic community led by Bo Sanchez.

(Photo source: http://bookingshub.wordpress.com/)

Blessing or Burden?

(Photo source: http://digital-photography-school.com)

See the blessing in the burden.

It was only recently when my family has been caught in the middle of a not-so-good situation. I have lost buckets of tears contemplating on what is currently going on and asking God for protection and assistance. Human as I am, I have, at times, wondered how all these can be happening to our family. I have asked God what could be the reason for all these, but I have yet to understand... until late this afternoon.

I sent my dad a text message telling him to take care as he goes home. I'd be coming home at a later time, so we won't be traveling together. My SMS was simple: "Pauwi ka na ba? Ok. Ingat. Godbles" But it was way different from the usual SMS I'd send had not for the current situation, which would be more like "Pauwi ka na? Ok." Yeah, that's it. Just two sentences and a period.

It was then that I realized what a blessing this burden of a situation has brought us. It has made the two of us more expressive of our concern for each other. It has brought us closer to each other faster than we had tried in 27 years. This is the blessing: my dad and I having a better relationship because of this burden.

Yes, I still do not like everything that has been going on. I still am not sure why all these are happening. But I am secure that God has a reason for all these and that He will never let go of us. I can choose to focus on the burden, or I can choose to look beyond it and see the greater blessing. I choose the latter.

I thank God today.

Today has been a day of tears. My tear glands had been on high gear almost the whole day for a couple of reasons. I needed a hug but didn't want to bother people of this need. Everyone seems a little more busy than usual (me included). But I am glad I still got a hug, although a virtual one, from my bestfriend Mazel, who's in Japan. I thank God for that today.

Today has been a day of reconciliation. Went to Greenbelt Chapel to attend First Friday mass with Joanne. Cannot help but cry even more during mass (darn these tear glands!) but had a great confession afterward. I say great, because, for a long time, it is only now that I actually enjoyed talking to a priest over confession. My bad, I didn't get the name of the priest, but he was full of wisdom, practical, and straight to the point. Hadn't there been a ton of other people waiting outside the confession box, I would have asked a lot more questions and had a longer conversation with him. I related well with his comments, learned so much from his advices, and was affirmed of my beliefs. I thank God for that today.

Today has been a day of terrific crepes. After draining my tear glands dry, had a huge plate of mango crepe from the nearby Cafe Breton at GB3 with Joanne and Veena. I love crepe! I enjoyed my La Pinay and I thank God for that today.

Today has been a day of lessened expectations. I have always been reminded to lessen my expectations of people; I just fail to keep that in mind, so the next time something happens that falls short of such expectations, I get seriously disappointed. But today is a reminder that to have less expectations of people is to live happier. I thank God for that today.

Today has been a day of love that is better expressed. He has always been the quiet type, never inquisitive and often only silent. He cares but never shows it explicitly. He protects but never too obviously. He worries about me but never admits it. He loves but never conveys it in words. Today has been different; he showed his care, protection, and love ever more fully. He is my dad and I thank God for him today.

(Photo sources: http://www.nottingham-therapy.co.uk, http://www.ssmaryandjohn.co.uk, http://blog.lib.umn.edu, http://visitpinas.com, http://www.allfunnystuff.com)

Of Death

(Photo source: http://www.gmanews.tv)

Press Secretary Cerge Remonde's untimely death came as a total surprise, as Jen was telling me about it on the way to ATC yesterday. I don't know the man personally. Heck, I don't even remember his face! Lol. I haven't read any of this articles nor watched him intently in the news.

OK, what actually caught me by surprise was the fact that he died alone in his bathroom at a very young age of 51. I haven't read or seen much news about his death (because I haven't been watching TV recently), but Jen was telling me that the Press Secretary lived alone here in Manila and that his family was based in Cebu. Upon hearing that, I thought that his passing was such a sad way to go; he died without his family by his side. And he lived his recent years just working and working away from his family.

Some of us, we work hard in building our careers or in engaging in our businesses. We sometimes fail to spend time with family and friends. We fail to create time for recreation. We think, "I'll just relax and spend time with friends and family when I retire from work. I'll have the time then." But this sudden passing of Remonde should remind us that time is of the essence and that life is truly short. We do not know when we'll go and how sudden or how prolonged death will come to us. The retirement age that we envision may not even come upon us. Our time may be up before we know it.

So live life NOW. Spend time with people who are important to you NOW. Yes, do not forget responsibilities, but do not also forget your loved ones. Try to always be happy and to feel blessed and grateful (I'm also saying this to myself! hehe).